will breaking a body part increase my alternative cred?

such a competitive alternative market
out there in bk yall
so much pressure
2 be as authentic as possible
2 wear quirky, zany, 'interesting' outfits
attend relevant buzzband shows
yoga, vegan, blogs, Converse, bike
Chrome messenger bags, organiclocalfreerange

whatever
it's just so competitive
just wanted
2 take my personal brand
2 the next lvl
in a unique and meaningful way
yknow?

so i kinda got in an 'accident'

steps for increasing your alternative cred:

step 1: summer in alaska

popularly known in alternative culture
as the most authentic state
alaska has
mountains, moose, beards
the white, middle-working class
'i'm goin into the wild yall
gonna chill down with mother nature
rlly 'find myself''
= 50 alternative blog points

step 2: ultimate frisbee

popularly known as
the most authentic alternative sport
u rlly can't go wrong here
scampering around barefoot in short shorts
just vibe out to some chill frisbee vibes
=5 alternative blog points

step 3: break ur hand

reach for the frisbee
when some new age mom
who should rlly b in the kitchen
instead of playing sports w/20 yr olds
throws her fat ass into your arm and
jams ur hand up into your chin
breaking that knuckle shit

fuck
breaking a bone hurts, yall
ppl gotta tie my shoes 4 me
cant j off with just my left hand

but look at the bright side:
i now look more 'interesting' than
almost anyone on bedford
my right arm has lost muscle mass,
'effing skinnie vegan hipster'
they'll say
<3 <3 <3 percocet

= 70 alternative blog points

just sayin, yall
it's tuff out there for an effing hipster
u might wanna break some shit

'welcome to my broke right hand'
'welcome to my alt life'

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
have u evr broken something?
what do u do 2 stay alternatively relevant-looking?
whats ur fav type of pain killer?
is ultimate frisbee only for 20-something effing hipstrrs, or should new age moms b able 2 play too?
should i 'sue that mom's fat ass' for effing up my hand?
have u ever managed to j off with your non-dominant hand? [it's not happening here, yall]
is alaska the most authentic alternative state, or is oregon?
ever had ur hand bit off by a loose seal?