what's on ur alternative xmas list?

#10.0 - TOMBOY
panda bear
where r u bro?
u promised us u would
save the indie mp3 disaster of 2k10
but then ur album nvr came out
come on man
what happened?
fall be kind came out
a million blog years ago
2k10: the great AnCo drought
just want some authentic
bleepy-bloops to listen to
walkin down some dirty street in bk
come on man
its christmas
give the indiesphere a break, will u?

#9.0 - DR DRE BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES
i know i already have
$$$200 bose headphones
just seemed like these dr dre beats
r 'hella chill'
like they show that i identify
w/black ppl
and am therefore more authentic
even tho i h8 'black ppl music'
and will just use them
2 listen 2 crystal castles &
old AnCo mp3s

#8.0 - TRON SPANDEX
skinny jeans aren't cutting it
n e more yall
need to take my personal brand
2 the next lvl
via this super-tite daft punk
robot shit
just wanna b authentic
just wanna b 'human after all'


#7.0 - VINTAGE TYPEWRITER
let's face it
sorta getting tired of my
iPad/MacBook Pro/MacBook Air/iPhone/iPod touch/Acer
seems like every bro & their brother
has one these days
Apple products = cargo shorts
not only will a typewriter make me look
'mad vintage'
but bitches r likely 2 think think
i'm some sort of 'authentic street poet'
and i'll probs get 'mad action'

#6.0 - MY OWN PERSONAL L TRAIN
ok, yall
i have 2 go 2 work in the morning
s000 sick of having to cram into the train
with a bunch of other 'effing hipsters' +
regular ppl who think it's fun to talk/make out/
rub against me @ 8 in the morning

#5.0 - THE BEDFORD AVE DUANE READE TO BE 'EFFING LEVELED,' TO BE REPLACED BY AN ALL-NATURAL LOCAL ORGANIC VEGAN URBAN FARM CO-OP
i used to rlly like u, duane
i'd drop in 2 pick up TP
cheetos, and bottles of herbal essence shampoo
but then u moved into MY neighboorhood
right across from some local pharmacy
run by black ppl and mexicans
seemed like a hella unchill move
rlly showed me ur true colors
seems like all u care abt
is concentrating power in the hands
of a few rich ppl corporations
thanks a lot, barak obama
tax breaks 2 the rich
jesus
eff u, duane
black ppl/mexicans/poor ppl/and effing hipsters
are ppl too, OK?

#4.0/#10.0 - KANYE WEST STOCK
congratulations, kanye
u ruined:
george bush
taylor swift
& indie music
all in the same year
rlly
congrat-u-fucking-lations
way to go, bro
u did it
10.0
10.0
10.0

#3.0 - A PLANE
brooklyn portland san fran
LA chicago austin
seattle alaska new orleans
london berlin paris
SXSW cochella bonaroo
sasquatch lolla burning man -
i gotta lotta places 2 go
yall

#2.0 - FULBRIGHT FELLOWSHIP TO THAILAND
from what i understand
there are few opportunities
more authentic/pretentious
4 a young white person than
'to teach english in an asian country for a year'
but rlly just spend the whole time
boozin, lying on the beach,
and eating weird food
like horse peen/cow balls/dog
seems like this
would rlly elevate my authentic cred
'to a whole new level of relevancy'
& id get a 'sick tan'

#1.0 - JAMES + NATALIE

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
what's on ur alternative xmas list?
does getting expensive material objects for xmas 'make u feel good abt urself'?
is indie music 'effing finished'?
do u h8 the L train in the morning?
is duane reade corporate imperialist bllsht?
is santa claus real?
is santa claus just a 'drunk ole bastard'?

did nat portman 'effing crush it' in BLACK SWANS?

hey Natalie
woah
F
holy F
damn grl
shit
holy SHIT

2k10: AN AWFUL YEAR 4 MOVIES
b4 i saw THE BLACK SWANNS
was rlly starting 2 think this was a
shit year for movies
oh wait
it WAS

no avatar
no hurt locker
no tarantino
no kute meaningful indie movie abt a dysfunctional family
no depressing indie movie abt poor black ppl
no coen bros
nothing
boring
sad

ok whatever
toy stories 3 was kute, i guess
but the rest just
boiled down to gimmicky gimicks

'hi i'm rlly only good at crying/shouting/yelling
so im just gonna keep playing a depressed guy w/a psychotic bitch
4 a wife' -leo dicapribros
‘hey yall!
look at my fancy special effects
so u r distracted from my incomprehensible plot’ -chris nolan

127 hrs was like,
‘ok, I get it, james franco is in a lot of movies’

didn't see 'the bro network'
though apparently half the world
has been brainwashed into thinking
it was 'good'
F U zuk, u already have enuff money
i see right thru your pale ginger skin

‘the book of eli’ said, ‘hey, look at denzel, he crushes it’
ok
we knew that already


2k10: THE ART OF CINEMA IS SWIRLING DOWN THE SHITTER
but then...
then came natalie
in THE BLACK SWANSS
& she came a lot
[via masterbation/fingering/lesbian muff-eating]

DAREN ARONOFSKI PRESENTS BLACK SWAN: A 2-HR MONTAGE OF EVERY COLLEGE BRO'S WHET DREAM
hey there natalie
wait a minute
woah
i mean -
HOLY G_D DAMN
damn grl
u CRUSHED IT
always knew u had it in u
lets face it
we all knew u were biding ur time
playing princess amidalas
sometimes u have to S george lucas's D
2 get ahead in life

u killed it in 'cum CLOSER'
& 'Vag for Vengina'
& proved ur tots down
w/'gettin funnie'
in the only relevant
snl skit in 30+ yrs
but damn grl
never like this
nvr like the black swans
u effing tore it up, grl
mad props

how does it feel 2 know
that u will win an oscar
and that millions of hornie bros
have 'blown their wads' ovr u
in the theater?????
rake in the gold, bb
u earned it
u redeemed the effing disaster
of movies in 2k10
keep killin it
keep sleighin
<3 <3 <3 <3 XoXoXoXoXoXoXo
the blog oscars of 2k10:
best directors: darren aranofskis for BLACK SWANS [even tho he essentially made the same movie he always makes but every1 else this yr effing sucked]

best actresses: Nat Portman for BLACK SWANSSSSSSS [4 effing 'crushing it']

best lesbian F-scene: Nat P0rtmans + Jackie from 'the 70's show yall' [duh]

worst human alive: mark effing zuckerberg

best 'break thru role': justin bieber in 'justin beiber's tween peen in 3D yall!'

best screenplay: soul plane

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
did movies 'blow' in 2k10?
what was ur fav movie in 2k10?
did nat portman 'crush it'?
r all daron aronofski's films the same? [via over-the top montage character study descents into madness]
did u j off 2 BLACK SWAN?
what was ur fav scene in BLACKSWAN?
A) nat portman j's off in bed
B) nat portman j's off in bathtub
C) kreepy old frenchman fingers nat portman
D) nat portman/jackie from 'that 70's show' eats out nat portman
E) kreepy old man j's off to nat portman on the L train
F) wynoda ryder stabs her own face
G) nat portman effing bleeds out
H) choose.ur.own.response.

james francbro, effing hott as shit?

jimmy francs
holy effing shit
jimmy
oh god
bro
stop this
can't stop watching
don't stop
never stop
oh jim
oh god
natalie
jesus grl
holy shit
g-damn to hell
oh jesus
oh god
natalie
oh god
eff u, mark zukerberg
u effing butt hole
stick that gun up ur butt
u effing suck
jimmy boi
damn
holy mother of god
uhhgh
kiss that boi
don't stop
oh god
save me
eff it
get out of my way u effing zombie

james

natalie

<3 <3 <3

'i just got the most blog hits of all time'
-ny times