r u 'hard' for 'twi'?

Twilight is a brand
For hornie tween girls
Hornie tween gheys
Fat ugly women
And homosexual pedophiles

U cant really blame them, tho
Most humans spend most of their lives
Being hornie
It’s part of the human condition
Especially the human condition of tweens

The defining characteristic of a tween
Is his/her newfound ability to sexually reproduce
Despite his/her lack of sexual maturity
This initial lack of maturity serves a purpose
Our genes blind us with horniness
When we are young
In order to inspire us to f$^k like rabbits
In order to ensure our survival as a species
B4 our bodies age and die
Of cancer/AIDS/drunk drivers/drug overdoses/suicide

It’s basic animal instinct, yall


Unfortunately, the basic human instinct to f&%k
Has led to some major problems in the 21st Century
Global warming, widespread poverty, and overpopulation
To name just a few

Because there are now so many of us
Searching for the same rare, unique goals
Like a super cute ethnic boi
To hold hands with at the mall
It means that only a select few of us
Can actually achieve their goals
Of having things like a keut boifriend
A high paying job
An acting career
Magic wizard powers
Or not just 1, but 2, ‘super hot boifriends’
Chasing after u
Wanting to suck
Ur ‘””’”‘blood’”’”

Twilight is just the latest tranquilizer
In a long line of tranquilizers
Injected into the rabid bloodstream
Of mnstrm American culture
Intended to satiate the tween sexual instinct
To reproduce with everything and anything in sight
Intended to minimize the burning horrors
Of ‘tween pregnancy’ and ‘STD’s’
A fantasy world that allows us to ‘get our rocks off’
w/o all the unwanted consequences

B4 there wuz Jacob, there wuz Ron/Harry

B4 there wuz Ron/Harry, there wuz Jack

B4 there wuz Jack, there wuz Legolas

B4 there wuz Legolas, there wuz Han

B4 there wuz Han, there wuz
REAL F@!KING LIFE

Feel worried, tho
Feel confused
Feel sad about the ‘decline in modern cinema/literature’
Feel alarmed that it is now socially acceptable to refer
To 13-year-olds with an allusions to ‘hard ons’
What r we gonna call Harry Potter fans, now?
‘Harry Twatters’?
‘Harry Peeners’?

Wish the young ethnic bro who never wears a shirt
Would just stop bothering with the pants, too
Wish that some droopy cunt would just jump off a cliff
And Jacob and Edward would do it ‘brokeback style’

We are all hornie
We all want to break free of our predictable suburban lives
We all want to live in a fantasy world
We all want to find meaning
We all want to find love

And most of us are probably even just willing to settle
For someone to hold hands with @ the mall
Browsing snarky tee shirts
In Hot Topic

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

R u a tween?
R u ‘hard’ 4 ‘twi’?
Why does Jacob wear pants?
Should tweens be allowed to have sex?
What is your favorite fantasy world to ‘rub one out 2’?
Do u feel ‘trapped in the subburbs’?
Does nobody ‘get’ how ‘complicated’ u are?
What’s your favorite store @ the mall?
Is Hot Topic for ‘fggts’?
What will be the next tween fantasy trend?