hey yall it's me, JESUS, r u listening?

hey yall
it’s me
JESUS EFFING CHRIST
sup

it’s that
‘special time of year’ again
thought i’d fill u in
abt ‘what’s happenin’ upstairs
2k10
had it’s ‘rough spots’
film & indie mp3s
r ‘swirling down the shitter’
the economy suxs
our president is an ‘effing muslim’
gheys are allowed in the military
there’s a duane reade on bedford avenue
+ oprah is abt 2 go ‘off the air’

but hey
hold up
my cool dad
THE LORD
& i r still here 4 u
we’re just rlly busy sometimes
got a lot of sh*t 2 take care of
weekly g-chats
w/president bush & mark zuckerberg
monday night football
s00 many blogs 2 read
n e way
things r pretty chill
up here in heaven
unlimited nachos
rivers of PBR
& ‘hot ass angels’

we’re currently renovating
the ‘alternative part of town’
to include more vegan cafes
Apple products
american apparrel outlets
& organic whole food markets

a lot of precious little 20-something alties
have joined us this year
have u heard of this thing
called ‘iDosing’?
then there’s the usual
heroin OD’s
& suicides
not condoning suicide
or n e thing
but i know ur parents can
be ‘butt holes’ sometimes
or ur overweight
ugly
or just can’t handle
the pressure of
living in suburbia
in which case –
(& don’t tell my dad abt this)
but it might not be a bad idea
to ‘do urself in’
rlly
it’s pretty sweet up here
did I mention
there r rivers of effing PBR?


n e way
where was i
i was chillin
w/my bro st. effing nick
the other night
throwin back some natty lite
we got on the subject of
my b-day
DECEMBER 25
& nick wuz like
‘yo, CHRIST,
what’s the deal bro?
no1 seems 2
rlly give a sh*t
abt u n e more
some 4-yr-old grl
@ walmart told me
“listen, Santa, J.C. can S a D –
just get me an effing iPad
OK?”’
i sighed
i know nick is right
all ppl rlly want
r ‘material things’
iPods, dvds, blue rays
flat screen TVs
starbucks & iTunes gift cards
no1 gives a F
abt holy xtian enlightenment n e more
look
all im gonna say is this:
iPods r programmed to die
after 1.5 yrs
starbucks is imperialist bllsht
iTunes is a rip off
& u should rlly b using
rapid share
or some other illegal downloading
software
to get ur mp3s
& i don’t wanna brag or n e thing
but hey, i kinda
‘died 4 ur effing sins’
so it might b nice
if u could show old J.C. a lil luv
come dec 25
& if not me
at least tell
ur friends and family
‘i luv u’
even if they are ‘effing butt holes’
well
happy holidays
hope yall can attend
some relevant ‘ugly sweater partie’
don’t drink 2 much eggnogg
hope yall have a great 2k11
keep it holy

<3 <3 x0x0x0 your bro,
JESUS H. CHRIST

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
r yall xcited for xmas?
do u have 'the spirit of xmas?'
d0 believe in CHRIST?
do u believe in santa?
do u believe in magic?
when did u learn santa was 'effing fake'?
r ur relatives coming over for xmas?
does n e one care abt n e thing except 'material sh*t'?
is xtianity/all religion an 'effing joke'?

'lady gaga'?

‘lady gaga’
don’t know who/what u r
some ppl i respect even think u r a genius
but 2 me
u just look like a tranny-crossdresser
trying 2 squeeze out a turd
on a piano bench

don’t understand all the ‘hype’ u generate
i guess u have a ‘unique’ sense of ‘fashion’
maybe u r so authentic
that u transcend everyday human existence
which is maybe why
i just don’t ‘get’ u

or maybe ppl r just so bored/resentful
of their mnstrm suburban lives
& they just want something
silly 2 look at
that somehow still passes as ‘high culture/art’
makes them feel ‘sophisticated,’ ‘trendy’ and ‘in-the-know’
broin’ down with the modern music ‘scene-sphere’

music isn’t even about music n e more
just ‘image,’ ‘controversial wardrobe choices,’
‘youtube/JPEG/internet memes’
& ‘pitchfork’
don’t really even have to write ‘interesting’/ ‘insightful’ lyrics
or play real instruments
just shit out 32 minutes of bleepy-bloops/fuzz/samples/remixes on a MacBook Pro
every 2.5 years
then ride the press wave
like a cowboy [Heath Ledger] riding a horse [Jake Gyllenhall]
into oblivion

‘lady gaga’
some ppl ‘feel’/‘act like they feel’
‘insulted’
that u think ur such hot shit
u can play on John Lennon’s piano
u r more than just some attention-seeking whore-cunt
but the gr8est artist/most relevant pop culture icon
since Bono
which is perhaps evidence
that something has gone horribly wrong in the last several years
in the world’s relationship to music

when ppl start to worry/think more
about the material object an artist used to facilitate his music-making
than the ideas/dreams/hopes an artist was attempting to convey
through his music –
something has gone wrong
terribly wrong
makes me think the world might be ending
in 2012
after all

don’t even think lady gaga is a ‘real person’
possibly just a CGI creation
like Gollum or the avatars
has n e one actually seen her in person
or touched her skin
or performed an X-ray to make sure
she is full of human organs
and not metal rods and bolts
the female version of the Terminator
come from the future to annihilate the human race
?

‘lady gaga’
u were conceived and born on the Internet
u live inside the Internet
a grouping of memory pixels
floating through space
not a man
not a woman
a cluster of electricity
everywhere
everywhere
and
nowhere

‘lady gaga’
u will live 4evar
unlike John Lennon, a real person
who was shot by J.D. Salinger and bled to death
on the pavement
u have transcended the human condition
u will remain authentic 4evar
hats off to u, m’lady
u r more popular than the Beatles
which means u are even more popular
than Jesus [via the transitive property]

imagine no inauthenticity
imagine all the blog coverage
imagine all the mnstrm people
living 4 2day
in the name of the father
the son
and the lady gaga
deliver us from evil
amen
-The Bible

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
do u actually ‘like’ ‘lady gaga,’ or just ‘the idea’ of ‘lady gaga’?
what is ur fav lady gaga ‘song’?
do u play Beatles Rock Band?
do u ‘imagine’?
is lady gaga ‘human,’ ‘machine,’ or ‘CGI’?
did ur parents force u to take piano lessons?
is lady gaga a ‘performance artist’ [via Lindsay Lohan], offering the world an important critique on modern celebrity culture, or is she just another ‘Madona rip-off attention-seeking cunt’?
do u think lady gaga’s vag/peen has teeth?
is lady gaga ‘the 2nd cumming of Christ’/ ‘the antichrist’?
what is the state of modern ‘music’?
was John Lennon the proto-hipster?