hey yall it's me, JESUS, r u listening?

hey yall
it’s me
JESUS EFFING CHRIST
sup

it’s that
‘special time of year’ again
thought i’d fill u in
abt ‘what’s happenin’ upstairs
2k10
had it’s ‘rough spots’
film & indie mp3s
r ‘swirling down the shitter’
the economy suxs
our president is an ‘effing muslim’
gheys are allowed in the military
there’s a duane reade on bedford avenue
+ oprah is abt 2 go ‘off the air’

but hey
hold up
my cool dad
THE LORD
& i r still here 4 u
we’re just rlly busy sometimes
got a lot of sh*t 2 take care of
weekly g-chats
w/president bush & mark zuckerberg
monday night football
s00 many blogs 2 read
n e way
things r pretty chill
up here in heaven
unlimited nachos
rivers of PBR
& ‘hot ass angels’

we’re currently renovating
the ‘alternative part of town’
to include more vegan cafes
Apple products
american apparrel outlets
& organic whole food markets

a lot of precious little 20-something alties
have joined us this year
have u heard of this thing
called ‘iDosing’?
then there’s the usual
heroin OD’s
& suicides
not condoning suicide
or n e thing
but i know ur parents can
be ‘butt holes’ sometimes
or ur overweight
ugly
or just can’t handle
the pressure of
living in suburbia
in which case –
(& don’t tell my dad abt this)
but it might not be a bad idea
to ‘do urself in’
rlly
it’s pretty sweet up here
did I mention
there r rivers of effing PBR?


n e way
where was i
i was chillin
w/my bro st. effing nick
the other night
throwin back some natty lite
we got on the subject of
my b-day
DECEMBER 25
& nick wuz like
‘yo, CHRIST,
what’s the deal bro?
no1 seems 2
rlly give a sh*t
abt u n e more
some 4-yr-old grl
@ walmart told me
“listen, Santa, J.C. can S a D –
just get me an effing iPad
OK?”’
i sighed
i know nick is right
all ppl rlly want
r ‘material things’
iPods, dvds, blue rays
flat screen TVs
starbucks & iTunes gift cards
no1 gives a F
abt holy xtian enlightenment n e more
look
all im gonna say is this:
iPods r programmed to die
after 1.5 yrs
starbucks is imperialist bllsht
iTunes is a rip off
& u should rlly b using
rapid share
or some other illegal downloading
software
to get ur mp3s
& i don’t wanna brag or n e thing
but hey, i kinda
‘died 4 ur effing sins’
so it might b nice
if u could show old J.C. a lil luv
come dec 25
& if not me
at least tell
ur friends and family
‘i luv u’
even if they are ‘effing butt holes’
well
happy holidays
hope yall can attend
some relevant ‘ugly sweater partie’
don’t drink 2 much eggnogg
hope yall have a great 2k11
keep it holy

<3 <3 x0x0x0 your bro,
JESUS H. CHRIST

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
r yall xcited for xmas?
do u have 'the spirit of xmas?'
d0 believe in CHRIST?
do u believe in santa?
do u believe in magic?
when did u learn santa was 'effing fake'?
r ur relatives coming over for xmas?
does n e one care abt n e thing except 'material sh*t'?
is xtianity/all religion an 'effing joke'?

what's on ur alternative xmas list?

#10.0 - TOMBOY
panda bear
where r u bro?
u promised us u would
save the indie mp3 disaster of 2k10
but then ur album nvr came out
come on man
what happened?
fall be kind came out
a million blog years ago
2k10: the great AnCo drought
just want some authentic
bleepy-bloops to listen to
walkin down some dirty street in bk
come on man
its christmas
give the indiesphere a break, will u?

#9.0 - DR DRE BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES
i know i already have
$$$200 bose headphones
just seemed like these dr dre beats
r 'hella chill'
like they show that i identify
w/black ppl
and am therefore more authentic
even tho i h8 'black ppl music'
and will just use them
2 listen 2 crystal castles &
old AnCo mp3s

#8.0 - TRON SPANDEX
skinny jeans aren't cutting it
n e more yall
need to take my personal brand
2 the next lvl
via this super-tite daft punk
robot shit
just wanna b authentic
just wanna b 'human after all'


#7.0 - VINTAGE TYPEWRITER
let's face it
sorta getting tired of my
iPad/MacBook Pro/MacBook Air/iPhone/iPod touch/Acer
seems like every bro & their brother
has one these days
Apple products = cargo shorts
not only will a typewriter make me look
'mad vintage'
but bitches r likely 2 think think
i'm some sort of 'authentic street poet'
and i'll probs get 'mad action'

#6.0 - MY OWN PERSONAL L TRAIN
ok, yall
i have 2 go 2 work in the morning
s000 sick of having to cram into the train
with a bunch of other 'effing hipsters' +
regular ppl who think it's fun to talk/make out/
rub against me @ 8 in the morning

#5.0 - THE BEDFORD AVE DUANE READE TO BE 'EFFING LEVELED,' TO BE REPLACED BY AN ALL-NATURAL LOCAL ORGANIC VEGAN URBAN FARM CO-OP
i used to rlly like u, duane
i'd drop in 2 pick up TP
cheetos, and bottles of herbal essence shampoo
but then u moved into MY neighboorhood
right across from some local pharmacy
run by black ppl and mexicans
seemed like a hella unchill move
rlly showed me ur true colors
seems like all u care abt
is concentrating power in the hands
of a few rich ppl corporations
thanks a lot, barak obama
tax breaks 2 the rich
jesus
eff u, duane
black ppl/mexicans/poor ppl/and effing hipsters
are ppl too, OK?

#4.0/#10.0 - KANYE WEST STOCK
congratulations, kanye
u ruined:
george bush
taylor swift
& indie music
all in the same year
rlly
congrat-u-fucking-lations
way to go, bro
u did it
10.0
10.0
10.0

#3.0 - A PLANE
brooklyn portland san fran
LA chicago austin
seattle alaska new orleans
london berlin paris
SXSW cochella bonaroo
sasquatch lolla burning man -
i gotta lotta places 2 go
yall

#2.0 - FULBRIGHT FELLOWSHIP TO THAILAND
from what i understand
there are few opportunities
more authentic/pretentious
4 a young white person than
'to teach english in an asian country for a year'
but rlly just spend the whole time
boozin, lying on the beach,
and eating weird food
like horse peen/cow balls/dog
seems like this
would rlly elevate my authentic cred
'to a whole new level of relevancy'
& id get a 'sick tan'

#1.0 - JAMES + NATALIE

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
what's on ur alternative xmas list?
does getting expensive material objects for xmas 'make u feel good abt urself'?
is indie music 'effing finished'?
do u h8 the L train in the morning?
is duane reade corporate imperialist bllsht?
is santa claus real?
is santa claus just a 'drunk ole bastard'?