a. be more authentic b. be more alt c. be more meaningful d. be more relevant e. be more 'cultural' f. be more white g. pretend to be more 'black' h. live in brooklyn i. be a vegan j. grow a beard k. attend relevant concerts l. start a blog m. start a twitter n. start a myspace o. join facebook p. quit facebook q. drink more PBR + Miller High Life r. write a novel s. write poetry t. make music u. make art v. open a unique brooklyn 'artist's space' w. open a local organic urban farm x. open an underground film theater y. worship THE LORD z. eat more mcdonalds j. eat more mcdonalds w/my homophobic dad l. be a party photographer X. acquire more material possessions f. move to alaska T. move to san francisco I. move to portland o. move to asia 7. join facebook again 9. work at a coffee shop 0. ride my bike everywhere 9. own Apple products p. watch more james franco movies u. watch more netflix e. watch more youtube videos 9. wear more scarves o. send more text messages a. loose 20-50 lbs d. climb mountains F. swim ii. read pitchfork XNDI. listen to relevant indie music fi8. start a buzzband
ei. start a heavy metal band 8f8fl. see a triple rainbow f8q. grow a rat tail m. luv my friends .10101. meet new bros 1. live a life of adventure 2. hav fun 2k11 is almost here, yall happy new year _-_-_-_-_- what r ur new years resolutions? will 2k11 b better/worse than 2k10? will sarah palin become president in 2k11? will the world end in 2k11? what yall got planned for new yrs eve? r u hitting up sum relevant club? r u seeing 'tron'? r u gonna watch dick clark & ryan seacrest?
Or: coming 2 terms w/ur mnstrm roots ovr the holidays: a meaningful essay sometimes when I spend several months in ____________ (relevant alt city) i forget that there’s ‘a whole other world out there’ so i go home to ____________ (OH/WI/MN/MI/IN/etc. etc.) to reconnect w/my family & our middle american MNSTRM roots used to really resent growning up in small town suburbia shopping @ walmart & american eagle acting in community theater playing video games in basements driving my mom’s van taking AP courses wearing cargo shorts eating cheeseburgers & meat products & getting called a ‘fggt’ by the football team always knew i was ‘different’ always knew i was destined for ‘bigger & better things’ 'getting a useless liberal arts/design school degree' ‘studying abroad’ ‘making art’ ‘starting a buzzband’ ‘working at a vegan café’ ‘selling weed’ or just ‘doing jack sh*t’ while exploiting my parents to live in a $800 + apt in one of america’s ‘cultural meccas’ but now that i’m ‘getting a lil older’ going home 4 the holidays has taken on ‘a whole new meaning’ really starting 2 appreciate how mnstrm i used 2 b don’t think i ever realized how ‘good i had it’ sure – no1 here has heard of ‘iPads’ most ppl actually believe in some1 named ‘GOD’ & animal cruelty is a sunday hobby but it’s nice not 2 wake up @ 3 in the morning b/c my neighbor is blasting 50 cent through my paper-thin apt walls it’s nice 2 walk through the woods or 2 drive around town in my parents’ ‘gas-guzzling SUV’ instead of getting groped by some old latino man on the subway it’s even nice 2 wear cargo shorts & to get a slurpie @ my local suburban mall hot topic rlly does have nice merchandise (thinking abt getting a diamond-studded choker) most of all i’m thankful 4 my mnstrm parents 4 raising me w/conservative, xtian values even tho i turned out 2 b kind of a ‘godless, liberal, & depressive butt hole’ they still <3 me 4 who i am (or at least who they wished i had become) & buy me expensive material possessions
mom makes a rlly good ‘turduckin’ & dad is rlly good @ watching TV all in all i’ve realized if i hadn’t grown up in MNSTRM america i never would have succeeded so well @ becoming a cynical, jackass ‘effing hipster’ living within the snug bubble of ‘alternative culture’
i know now no matter how bad i F up how much debt i accrue how much dank i smoke how much PBR i drink how many graduate degrees i acquire how many mp3s i download illegally how many times i drop my iPod on the subway tracks how many veggie burgers i consume how many blog entries i write how many relevant alt music festivals i attend how many times i study abroad how many jonathan franzen novels i read how skinny my jeans are – in short, no matter how alternative i become – i know now i’ll always b able 2 come back to Middle America
i'll always be able 2 come back to MNSTRM USA my heart my life my home _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ did u grow up in middle America? do u h8/<3 going home 4 the holidays? do u resent ur childhood? do u wish u were raised by ‘AltParents’? is ‘alternative culture’ overrated? is alternative culture ‘killing our planet’? is mnstrm American culture ‘killing our planet’? have u come 2 terms w/ur mnstrm roots? will u ‘burn out’ on alt city life in 1.5-3 years & move into ur parents' basement? are there even such things as ‘alt’ & ‘mnstrm’? does mnstrm = alt? r the suburbs s000000 b0000ring? is the arcade fires PRETENTIOUS EFFING BLLSHT?
it’s that ‘special time of year’ again thought i’d fill u in abt ‘what’s happenin’ upstairs 2k10 had it’s ‘rough spots’ film & indie mp3s r ‘swirling down the shitter’ the economy suxs our president is an ‘effing muslim’ gheys are allowed in the military there’s a duane reade on bedford avenue + oprah is abt 2 go ‘off the air’ but hey hold up my cool dad THE LORD & i r still here 4 u we’re just rlly busy sometimes got a lot of sh*t 2 take care of weekly g-chats w/president bush & mark zuckerberg monday night football s00 many blogs 2 read n e way things r pretty chill up here in heaven unlimited nachos rivers of PBR & ‘hot ass angels’ we’re currently renovating the ‘alternative part of town’ to include more vegan cafes Apple products american apparrel outlets & organic whole food markets a lot of precious little 20-something alties have joined us this year have u heard of this thing called ‘iDosing’? then there’s the usual heroin OD’s & suicides not condoning suicide or n e thing but i know ur parents can be ‘butt holes’ sometimes or ur overweight ugly or just can’t handle the pressure of living in suburbia in which case – (& don’t tell my dad abt this) but it might not be a bad idea to ‘do urself in’ rlly it’s pretty sweet up here did I mention there r rivers of effing PBR?
n e way where was i i was chillin w/my bro st. effing nick the other night throwin back some natty lite we got on the subject of my b-day DECEMBER 25 & nick wuz like ‘yo, CHRIST, what’s the deal bro? no1 seems 2 rlly give a sh*t abt u n e more some 4-yr-old grl @ walmart told me “listen, Santa, J.C. can S a D – just get me an effing iPad OK?”’ i sighed i know nick is right all ppl rlly want r ‘material things’ iPods, dvds, blue rays flat screen TVs starbucks & iTunes gift cards no1 gives a F abt holy xtian enlightenment n e more look all im gonna say is this: iPods r programmed to die after 1.5 yrs starbucks is imperialist bllsht iTunes is a rip off & u should rlly b using rapid share or some other illegal downloading software to get ur mp3s & i don’t wanna brag or n e thing but hey, i kinda ‘died 4 ur effing sins’ so it might b nice if u could show old J.C. a lil luv come dec 25 & if not me at least tell ur friends and family ‘i luv u’ even if they are ‘effing butt holes’ well happy holidays hope yall can attend some relevant ‘ugly sweater partie’ don’t drink 2 much eggnogg hope yall have a great 2k11 keep it holy <3 <3 x0x0x0 your bro, JESUS H. CHRIST
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ r yall xcited for xmas? do u have 'the spirit of xmas?' d0 believe in CHRIST? do u believe in santa? do u believe in magic? when did u learn santa was 'effing fake'? r ur relatives coming over for xmas? does n e one care abt n e thing except 'material sh*t'? is xtianity/all religion an 'effing joke'?
#10.0 - TOMBOY panda bear where r u bro? u promised us u would save the indie mp3 disaster of 2k10 but then ur album nvr came out come on man what happened? fall be kind came out a million blog years ago 2k10: the great AnCo drought just want some authentic bleepy-bloops to listen to walkin down some dirty street in bk come on man its christmas give the indiesphere a break, will u?
#9.0 - DR DRE BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES i know i already have $$$200 bose headphones just seemed like these dr dre beats r 'hella chill' like they show that i identify w/black ppl and am therefore more authentic even tho i h8 'black ppl music' and will just use them 2 listen 2 crystal castles & old AnCo mp3s #8.0 - TRON SPANDEX skinny jeans aren't cutting it n e more yall need to take my personal brand 2 the next lvl via this super-tite daft punk robot shit just wanna b authentic just wanna b 'human after all'
#7.0 - VINTAGE TYPEWRITER let's face it sorta getting tired of my iPad/MacBook Pro/MacBook Air/iPhone/iPod touch/Acer seems like every bro & their brother has one these days Apple products = cargo shorts not only will a typewriter make me look 'mad vintage' but bitches r likely 2 think think i'm some sort of 'authentic street poet' and i'll probs get 'mad action'
#6.0 - MY OWN PERSONAL L TRAIN ok, yall i have 2 go 2 work in the morning s000 sick of having to cram into the train with a bunch of other 'effing hipsters' + regular ppl who think it's fun to talk/make out/ rub against me @ 8 in the morning
#5.0 - THE BEDFORD AVE DUANE READE TO BE 'EFFING LEVELED,' TO BE REPLACED BY AN ALL-NATURAL LOCAL ORGANIC VEGAN URBAN FARM CO-OP i used to rlly like u, duane i'd drop in 2 pick up TP cheetos, and bottles of herbal essence shampoo but then u moved into MY neighboorhood right across from some local pharmacy run by black ppl and mexicans seemed like a hella unchill move rlly showed me ur true colors seems like all u care abt is concentrating power in the hands of a few rich ppl corporations thanks a lot, barak obama tax breaks 2 the rich jesus eff u, duane black ppl/mexicans/poor ppl/and effing hipsters are ppl too, OK?
#4.0/#10.0 - KANYE WEST STOCK congratulations, kanye u ruined: george bush taylor swift & indie music all in the same year rlly congrat-u-fucking-lations way to go, bro u did it 10.0 10.0 10.0
#3.0 - A PLANE brooklyn portland san fran LA chicago austin seattle alaska new orleans london berlin paris SXSW cochella bonaroo sasquatch lolla burning man - i gotta lotta places 2 go yall #2.0 - FULBRIGHT FELLOWSHIP TO THAILAND from what i understand there are few opportunities more authentic/pretentious 4 a young white person than 'to teach english in an asian country for a year' but rlly just spend the whole time boozin, lying on the beach, and eating weird food like horse peen/cow balls/dog seems like this would rlly elevate my authentic cred 'to a whole new level of relevancy' & id get a 'sick tan'
#1.0 - JAMES + NATALIE _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ what's on ur alternative xmas list? does getting expensive material objects for xmas 'make u feel good abt urself'? is indie music 'effing finished'? do u h8 the L train in the morning? is duane reade corporate imperialist bllsht? is santa claus real? is santa claus just a 'drunk ole bastard'?
hey Natalie woah F holy F damn grl shit holy SHIT 2k10: AN AWFUL YEAR 4 MOVIES b4 i saw THE BLACK SWANNS was rlly starting 2 think this was a shit year for movies oh wait it WAS
no avatar no hurt locker no tarantino no kute meaningful indie movie abt a dysfunctional family no depressing indie movie abt poor black ppl no coen bros nothing boring sad
ok whatever toy stories 3 was kute, i guess but the rest just boiled down to gimmicky gimicks
'hi i'm rlly only good at crying/shouting/yelling so im just gonna keep playing a depressed guy w/a psychotic bitch 4 a wife' -leo dicapribros ‘hey yall! look at my fancy special effects so u r distracted from my incomprehensible plot’ -chris nolan
127 hrs was like, ‘ok, I get it, james franco is in a lot of movies’
didn't see 'the bro network' though apparently half the world has been brainwashed into thinking it was 'good' F U zuk, u already have enuff money i see right thru your pale ginger skin
‘the book of eli’ said, ‘hey, look at denzel, he crushes it’ ok we knew that already
2k10: THE ART OF CINEMA IS SWIRLING DOWN THE SHITTER but then... then came natalie in THE BLACK SWANSS & she came a lot [via masterbation/fingering/lesbian muff-eating]
DAREN ARONOFSKI PRESENTS BLACK SWAN: A 2-HR MONTAGE OF EVERY COLLEGE BRO'S WHET DREAM hey there natalie wait a minute woah i mean - HOLY G_D DAMN damn grl u CRUSHED IT always knew u had it in u lets face it we all knew u were biding ur time playing princess amidalas sometimes u have to S george lucas's D 2 get ahead in life u killed it in 'cum CLOSER' & 'Vag for Vengina' & proved ur tots down w/'gettin funnie' in the only relevant snl skit in 30+ yrs but damn grl never like this nvr like the black swans u effing tore it up, grl mad props
how does it feel 2 know that u will win an oscar and that millions of hornie bros have 'blown their wads' ovr u in the theater????? rake in the gold, bb u earned it u redeemed the effing disaster of movies in 2k10 keep killin it keep sleighin <3 <3 <3 <3 XoXoXoXoXoXoXo the blog oscars of 2k10: best directors: darren aranofskis for BLACK SWANS [even tho he essentially made the same movie he always makes but every1 else this yr effing sucked]
best actresses: Nat Portman for BLACK SWANSSSSSSS [4 effing 'crushing it']
best lesbian F-scene: Nat P0rtmans + Jackie from 'the 70's show yall' [duh]
worst human alive: mark effing zuckerberg
best 'break thru role': justin bieber in 'justin beiber's tween peen in 3D yall!'
best screenplay: soul plane _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- did movies 'blow' in 2k10? what was ur fav movie in 2k10? did nat portman 'crush it'? r all daron aronofski's films the same? [via over-the top montage character study descents into madness] did u j off 2 BLACK SWAN? what was ur fav scene in BLACKSWAN? A) nat portman j's off in bed B) nat portman j's off in bathtub C) kreepy old frenchman fingers nat portman D) nat portman/jackie from 'that 70's show' eats out nat portman E) kreepy old man j's off to nat portman on the L train F) wynoda ryder stabs her own face G) nat portman effing bleeds out H) choose.ur.own.response.
Bro Spot is a meaningful blogspot that examines meaningful things in a meaningful way in an attempt to understand the meaningfulness of the human condition.
a. be more authentic
l. start a blog
q. drink more PBR + Miller High Life
7. join facebook again
9. wear more scarves
