will u b my bro 4evar?

Will u b my bro 4evar?
Or was this just a dream?
Were we really friends in Sitka?
Were we really a good team?

Will u b my bro 4life?
Or was this all made up?
I’ll miss comin’ 2 the Larkspur
2 chill & say ‘wuz up?’

Will u be my bro 4evar?
Or have the ties been cut?
We’ll facebook chat and cell phone text
But the distance still sucks butt

Will u b my bro 4life?
Or were we just on drugs?
I’ll miss ur goofy laughter
& our occasional bro hugs

Will u b my bro 4evar?
It seems we did so much
The P Bar, the radio, and Conan
We had that 'special' touch

Will u b my bro 4life?
Or will this fade away?
Sometimes we all have to move on
But I wish that u could stay

Will u b my bro 4evar?
I hope u will, my friend
As long as we have the Internet
Our friendship will never ‘end’

Maybe I’ll see u in NY
Or maybe off in Thailand
But whatever happens
Wherever we go
I just want
2 let u know
Our broship has been real grand

<3 u bro

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Have u evar missed ur bro?
Do u h8 only being able to have a ‘facebook’/ ‘text-message’ friendship?
Am I on drugs?

seen the moon l8ly?

a buddyroo
a gentleman
sailing on the sea
he looks at the sky
he smiles and the moon
and then he thinks of me

'hello friend.u see the moon!'
he texts
and i take a step outside
but the clouds are out
the mountain's in the way
the moon decided to hide

kinda sad
i miss my pal
a ghost floating on the waves
i'm trapped on shore
i'm locked to the land
like a body to its grave

where are you moon
won't you show yourself
and shine on me n my friend
miles apart
you're all we have
won't you come around the bend?

hours later
im on my bike
riding through the night
i gaze at the sky
and see through the mists
the sight of the milky moon's light

i see it friend
i hope you still do
while you're sailing on the sea
when you look at the sky
when you look at the moon
i hope you think of me

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
have u seen the moon l8ly?
what kinda cheese is the moon made of?
do u think the man in the moon is a chill bro?
do you miss your friends?

h8 2 work?

h8 2 work
even tho
i sorta like my job
have a lot of other things
2 do
like applying for other jobs
making vacation & travel arrangements
working out
hiking
lying around
reading
watching films
listening 2 music
writing
sitting in cafes and drinking coffee
looking at the internet
reading blogs
sleeping
drinking

not sure
why/when ppl decided
to start sitting around
indoors
staring at computer monitors
having meetings
wearing uncomfortable clothes
not accomplishing anything
we all only go around once
so why not just do
whatever the eff we want
running around
dancing
drinking and smoking dank
sorta wish life
could be a party
that never ended
& i could party 4evr

whatever, work
screw u
im just gonna use
gchat/blogs/utube
and get paid
to waste time
until 5:30
then im gonna go parti
stay out too l8
then come in tomorrow
hungover
unless maybe
you burn down
like i used to wish
my middle school would burn down
so i wouldn’t have to see ppl i didn’t like
& id do whatever i want
(play video games)

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
do u ‘h8 work’?
where do u ‘work’?
why do ppl even bother do work?
how many hours of ‘work’ a day do u spend on gchat/twitter/facebook/blogs/utube?
do u ever wish u could just ‘party 4evr’?

r u a 'poet' / 'writer'?

hi yall
im a ‘poet’/‘writer’
if u couldn’t already tell
by my intense personal brand
i was just chillin on the beach
listenin to anco + authentic sea sounds
throwin down some prose
in my moleskine
smokin some dank
admiring my fixie
chilling down with some chill waves
chill

some lady asked 2 take my picture
4 the cover of some supposedly ‘progressive’ underground mag
abt ‘art’
i was sorta disappointed it wasn’t p4k
but whatevs
we all need some1
2 look up 2
& i’ll represent for the writers
the poets
& fat ugly grl and lonely ugly ghey
undergraduate creative writing majors

sorta confused why
a mag abt writing
didn’t just have words on the cover
but I guess writing and art
rn’t really about writing and art
n e more, n e ways
this is the ‘age of the image/personal brand/facebook pic’
& the only things that still sell
r dank
apple products
& JPEG memes

now some of my fav blogs
like ‘looks @ these effing hipstrz’ & ‘the hpstr runs offs’
r making fun of me
like its my fault
some old ass marketing executives
wanted to ‘make a quick buck’
by tapping into the youth scene’s
quirky/shallow fashion aesthetic
rlly all I wanted to do
was chill at the beach
dig my bare feet into the sand
and vibe down
with mother earth

oh well
just gonna keep on writin
might get another tat/piercing
l8r 2nite
chill w/my bros @ Union Pool/the Knitting Factory/
some other chill
wllmsbrg scene
bust out some meaningful words
gonna share my story
hope u like it
& stick around l8r
to buy me some PBR
and ask abt which thrift store
i got my pants from

chill, yall
-the poets & writers bro

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
do u ‘write’?
do u ride a ‘fixie’?
whats ur fav thing 2 do @ the beach?
do people even ‘read’ magazines n e more?
do ppl even publish/write magazines/books n e more?
Do ppl even ‘read’ n e more?
Is ‘writing’/ ‘reading’ only for ‘fat grls’ and ‘effing fggts’?
What’s the distinction between a ‘poet’ & a ‘writer’?
Do poets get more tug jobs than writers, or vise versa?
Is this guy a better writer than ‘Twilight’?

hows ur iphone doin?

Dear iPhone,

iPhone
i <3 u so much
but what is wrong with u
ur acting sick
worried abt the future
of humanitie

iPhone
i could not live w/o u
i wuld die w/o u
u connect me 2 societie
like real human interaction
nvr could

iPhone
i <3 u 4evar
but, like, - O.K., I have to come clean
not worried so much abt u
as i am abt my addiction
2 u

iPhone?
what r u?
lets face it
u r a shittie peice of shit, first -
a marketing gimmick
status symbol
a useless distraction from 'real life' -
and u r a decent piece of machinery, last

iPhone
no one seems to notice
that u suck
instead of getting frustrated by their own
materialistic + consumerist behavior
they gotta h8 on u and Steve Handjobsbro
kinda like a heroin junkie
blaming his addiction
on his drugs/drugs dealer
and not his own weak moral character

iPhone
sorry u had to get stuck
in the middle of all this
it's not ur fault
but its not like we'll ever blame ourselves
for our own problems
walking down the street
like zombies
gazing at a tiny screen
consuming texts
isolating ourselves from our surroundings
raising u above the crowd
at a relevant indie concert
gotta post my authentic concert pic on twitter/facebook/utube
instead of actually focusing solely on enjoying the music
and creating a real memory in my brain

iPhone
if im at a party where i don't know anyone
i stand in a corner playing with u
pushing buttons
pretending im having an important text conversation
with my friends who aren't @ the parti yet
u offer me security
i don't actually have to meet ppl
ill just check out their facebook pics
see who's posted on ur wall l8ly
maybe ill just download another app

iPhone
i <3 u, iphone
even more than i <3 dank
and my monthly trustfund allowance
i <3 so much
i'll nvr betray u
even tho u are a piece of shit/
programmed to die every 2 years/
destroying meaningful human interaction
<3 iPhone 4evar

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
do u <3/h8 ur iphone 4s?
whats ur favorite apppp?
r iphones the new heroin?
who do u h8 more: At&Ats, Steves Brobs, or China?
when will they make a tooth-sized iPhone that fits in ur mouth/brain/pee hole?

'lady gaga'?

‘lady gaga’
don’t know who/what u r
some ppl i respect even think u r a genius
but 2 me
u just look like a tranny-crossdresser
trying 2 squeeze out a turd
on a piano bench

don’t understand all the ‘hype’ u generate
i guess u have a ‘unique’ sense of ‘fashion’
maybe u r so authentic
that u transcend everyday human existence
which is maybe why
i just don’t ‘get’ u

or maybe ppl r just so bored/resentful
of their mnstrm suburban lives
& they just want something
silly 2 look at
that somehow still passes as ‘high culture/art’
makes them feel ‘sophisticated,’ ‘trendy’ and ‘in-the-know’
broin’ down with the modern music ‘scene-sphere’

music isn’t even about music n e more
just ‘image,’ ‘controversial wardrobe choices,’
‘youtube/JPEG/internet memes’
& ‘pitchfork’
don’t really even have to write ‘interesting’/ ‘insightful’ lyrics
or play real instruments
just shit out 32 minutes of bleepy-bloops/fuzz/samples/remixes on a MacBook Pro
every 2.5 years
then ride the press wave
like a cowboy [Heath Ledger] riding a horse [Jake Gyllenhall]
into oblivion

‘lady gaga’
some ppl ‘feel’/‘act like they feel’
‘insulted’
that u think ur such hot shit
u can play on John Lennon’s piano
u r more than just some attention-seeking whore-cunt
but the gr8est artist/most relevant pop culture icon
since Bono
which is perhaps evidence
that something has gone horribly wrong in the last several years
in the world’s relationship to music

when ppl start to worry/think more
about the material object an artist used to facilitate his music-making
than the ideas/dreams/hopes an artist was attempting to convey
through his music –
something has gone wrong
terribly wrong
makes me think the world might be ending
in 2012
after all

don’t even think lady gaga is a ‘real person’
possibly just a CGI creation
like Gollum or the avatars
has n e one actually seen her in person
or touched her skin
or performed an X-ray to make sure
she is full of human organs
and not metal rods and bolts
the female version of the Terminator
come from the future to annihilate the human race
?

‘lady gaga’
u were conceived and born on the Internet
u live inside the Internet
a grouping of memory pixels
floating through space
not a man
not a woman
a cluster of electricity
everywhere
everywhere
and
nowhere

‘lady gaga’
u will live 4evar
unlike John Lennon, a real person
who was shot by J.D. Salinger and bled to death
on the pavement
u have transcended the human condition
u will remain authentic 4evar
hats off to u, m’lady
u r more popular than the Beatles
which means u are even more popular
than Jesus [via the transitive property]

imagine no inauthenticity
imagine all the blog coverage
imagine all the mnstrm people
living 4 2day
in the name of the father
the son
and the lady gaga
deliver us from evil
amen
-The Bible

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
do u actually ‘like’ ‘lady gaga,’ or just ‘the idea’ of ‘lady gaga’?
what is ur fav lady gaga ‘song’?
do u play Beatles Rock Band?
do u ‘imagine’?
is lady gaga ‘human,’ ‘machine,’ or ‘CGI’?
did ur parents force u to take piano lessons?
is lady gaga a ‘performance artist’ [via Lindsay Lohan], offering the world an important critique on modern celebrity culture, or is she just another ‘Madona rip-off attention-seeking cunt’?
do u think lady gaga’s vag/peen has teeth?
is lady gaga ‘the 2nd cumming of Christ’/ ‘the antichrist’?
what is the state of modern ‘music’?
was John Lennon the proto-hipster?

how does it feel 2 b a white, priveliged, over-educated, white person?

suburbs
parents
soccer leagues
band practice
scholarships
liberal arts education
sexual experimentation
dorm life
study abroad
travel
clothes
food
apartments
houses
New York City
restaurants
museums
nightclubs
New York Times
parties
white friends
social networking
money
iPods
iPhones
MacBook Pros
netbooks
Blackberries
music
blogs
the Internet
bicycles
recycling
organic farming
diner parties
film
literature
art
coffee
tea
cafes
journals
sketchbooks
guitars
poetry
climbing the social ladder
white people
alternative culture
white people
liberal sensibilities
white people
expensive sunglasses
white people
environmentalism
white people
authenticity
white people
white people
white people

humanity
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
r u a white person?
r u priveleged & over educated?
was ur college education 'completely effing useless'?
what r your favorite 'white person' things 2 do?
is this post just a rip-off of the outdated, old-ass blog 'stuff whitebros like'?
do u like black people?
do u have white guilt?

evr seen a 2x rainbow?

Have u evr seen a double rainbow
Almost a triple rainbow
So bright and vivid
Across the sky

What does this mean
It’s so beautiful
Windchimes in the distance
Pure ecstasy

God
It’s so bright
Double rainbow
You penetrate my mouth/butt/soul

I cry alternately like a little grl
And a grown man cumming and cumming again
Uhhhh uhhh –
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh –

It’s too much for me
A psychedelic blast of colors
Shooting out my peen
And into the sky

It’s a double complete rainbow
My body trembles
Can’t even hold my Flip camera steady
What does it mean

Can’t take it
Too much
I’m on my knees
I worship u, double rainbow

A dog barks
The sound brings me back to reality
Where am I
A magical forest

Breathe
B chill
Take it in
Everything’s OK

A double rainbow
Almost a triple rainbow
So bright and vivid
Across the sky

Have to go clean my pants now
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
have u ever splooged urself 2 a double rainbow?
what drugs is this guy on?
do u have a Flip?
is utube the greatest invention ever?
what did ppl do @ parties b4 utube?
what does the double rainbow mean?
is the double rainbow a 'sign from god'?

what is a bro?

A bro is u
A bro is me
A bro is chill
A bro is free

A bro is here
To partie down
A bro will nvr
Wear a frown

Bros r here
2 penetrate
Random girls
And abolish h8

A bro will not
Give up on U
He is ur bro
He’ll help u thru

Bros are mnstrm
Bros are alt
Some bros are ghey –
But it’s not their fault

Bros r true
Bros r real
A bro will always
Cop a feel

Most bros drink
And get ‘so tanked’
Then do more shots
Then smoke some dank

Collegebros
And cool dad bros
And mountainbros
And surferbros

Cafébros
And fisherbros
And sk8r bros
And snowboard bros

So many bros
We r all bros*
U r a bro
And I’m a bro

A bro is here
To partie down
A bro will nvr
Wear a frown

A bro is u
A bro is me
A bro is chill
A bro is free

I pledge allegiance
To the bros
Of the Bronited Bros of Bromerica
And to the 40 of Miller High Life
4 which it bros down
Many bros, under Christbro
With jello shots and iPhones
4 all

*(u r probly not a bro
If u have to ask ‘what is a bro’)
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
r u a bro?
what type of bro r u?
what is ur fav bro activity?
will u b my bro4life?

lindsay lohan, what happened 2 u?

Lindsay Lohan
Sorta forgot about u
Now u r going 2 jailz
Have 2 do lines of blow behind bars
Gonna DJ for some authentic prison inmates

What the hell happened
U used to be kuet
And showed promise as an actress

Wish u were still a real person
Not a human meme

Maybe your whole life
Is a piece of performance art
A critique on modern celebrity culture
And u r the greatest performance artist
Since the MOMA

Maybe u r so authentic
That nobody ‘gets’ u
U transcend mnstrm existence
Or maybe we ‘get’ u so much
That you have devolved completely
From a human being
Into a JPEG file

Maybe the ‘trainwreck’
Of ur ‘life’
Is a sacrifice
To the pop culture gods
U r a slave to the machine
And the Hollywood billboard
Is your tombstone

No one seems to know
Why u r going 2 jail
I was fine with u blowing coke
Endangering lives while driving drunk
Flashing ur coot
Having lesbian sex

We r all consumers
And we need something to consume
A fantasy lifestyle
To imagine
While we slave away
In our corporate offices and cubicles

We can dream about chilling with u
By a pool in Morocco
Sipping martinis and smoking a blunt
Wearing versized $500 designer sunglasses
Bikinis
Texting on our Blackberries
Gonna party with Steve Aoki 2nite
Until 9 in the morning
And sleep until 5

I hear u r ‘acting’ in a new film
Abt a porn star
This is possibly why u skipped out on
Your AA/drunk driving classes
You have to ‘make ur own living’ these days
U have to ‘work’

90 days is a long time
But not really
U can think of jail
As an opportunity to gain experience
For future acting gigs

Some ppl are so poor
They’d kill for the security, routine, and free food
Of a prision
Think of all the bros u will make
And all the laughs u will share

Some day
When u are sobered up
U can go on Oprah
Write a best-selling memoir
And win an Academy Award
For that stunning ‘come-back’ role

We will look back on ur prison sentence
As a valuable learning experience
For us all
We will sort of smirk at how young and naïve
We were
And then cut up another line
And snort it

Pull up your bootstraps/American Apparel leggings, Lindsay
I know u can do it
I know u can survive
We r here 4 u

We r all in this
2gether

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
do u <3/h8 lindsay?
is lindsay lohan a 'performance artist'?
is lindsay lohan really a lesbian?
have u ever partied w/lindsay/steve aoki?
is lindsay lohan the most authentic/relevant alternative icon?
will lindsay lohan win an academy award?
would u scissors w/lindsay?
r we all responsible 4 lindsay lohan's trainwreck life?

who'll stop the rain?

Rainy Saturday
Lyin in my bed
6 pm
Under a blanket
Starin out the window
Rain
Fog in the trees
Rain

Rainy Saturday
Sittin in my kitchen
Eatin a cookie
Prairie Home Companion
718 pm
Starin out the window
Rain
Fog in the trees
Fog where the mountain should be
Starin out the window
Rain

Rainy Saturday
Rain
It wont stop raining
Rain
Rainy Saturday
Rain

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
how long has it been raining?
do you <3/h8 rain?
r u confused as to why i posted this bloem on a tuesday?
do u <3/h8 Prairie bros companions?
who will stop the rain? [via CCRbros]

what dyall do in cafes?

i am an authentic bro
sketching w/$20 colored pencils
in a 500-page leather bound sketchbook
sitting in a relevant café
in sitka
with a skuzzy beard
and fingerless gloves
that make me look ‘down to earth’/‘homeless’
but also wearing trendy thick-rimmed glasses
to suggest that I am still ‘intellectual’/‘thoughtful’/‘deep’
waiting for some hot broads
to ask me abt my ‘art’
i will flip through my sketchbook
to show them my meaningful drawings
that represent
my unique and insightful
perspective of the world
i grew up in the suburbs of middle america
north carolina
now i have shunned
my mnstrm suburban roots
come to alaska
to ‘get real’ abt life
and search 4 spiritual enlightenment
i am a fisherman/trailworker/wandering soul
becoming ‘one with nature’
turning my back on material things
sipping a $6 soy mocha chai spice vegan latte
and when I have learned all alaska has to teach
i will migrate
to williamsburg/portland/seattle/san fran
and live in an anarchist collective/freegan house/$2,000-a-month 1-bedroom apt.
to share my meaningful experiences
and my art
with other young and authentic spirits
this is my life, yall
sitka is MY town
just a pudgy beard bro
sitting in a relevant cafe
sketching in a 500-page leather bound sketchbook
w/$20 colored pencils


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
what dyall do in cafes?
what is the most authentic/relevant cafe?
do u use colored pencils or water colors?
do u use a moleskine journal?
r u 'authentic crusty' or just 'aesthetically crusty'?

america?

Some bros have said
That the things that set us apart
Divide us
And cause conflicts between us
As Americans
Are the only things
That unite us
Which is a saying
That doesn’t seem
To make any effing sense, if
You ask me

Whites, blacks, browns, whatevers
Gays and lezzies and str8s
Christians, Muslims, Jews, and atheists
Rich and poors and mehs
City slickers, country folks, and suburbanites
Blues and reds and greens and sarah palins
Mnstrmrs and alts
Tweens and real people
Bois and grls
U and me

Are we all so ‘different’?

Or are we all ‘the same’?

Family
Friends
Peace
Love
Happiness

Certainly our different methods
Of achieving these goals
Seem to suggest
That we are inherently unique, different, individual, and separate
From each other, from our neighbors
That we are not one nation under Jesusbro
But 3 million nations
Competing for space
Blog readership
And the most authentic facebook profile pic possible

Well eff that, all
I’m here 2 tell yall what America
Is all about
Just like Linus gave us the low-downs
Abt some old-ass summer holiday called
‘Christmas’

America
Is an idea
That sometimes comes alive
And sometimes dies
Depending on whether or not it’s a rainy day or a sunny day
Depending on whether or not you wake up in a good mood
Or whether you wake up hungover, in a pool of your own poop/pee/vomit
Depending on whether or not someone at a café meant it when they told you to
‘Have a good one’
Or whether they’d rather you just go eff yourself
And most of all depending on whether or not
You’re having a good hair day

America
Is an idea, yall
The idea that we are the best country in the world
Whether or not we actually are

America is the idea of the fountain of youth
We’ll never get old
We will stay relevant 4evar
The most authentic country
On the effing planet
So take that, yall
U can take your terrorism and notre dames and euros and communism
And smarter children and better soccer players and
SHOVE IT

This is America
And we’re gonna blow shit up
And eat meat
To celebrate ourselves
And the fact
That we are effing awesome

This is what unites us
Americans
As people who are the same
Even if we don’t realize it
The idea of our own greatness
Which is many times false
But always true

U r so authentic America
U r so real
Glory glory hallelujah
Jesusbro shed his grace on thee

<3 u America

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
do u <3 america?
do u <3 freedom?
what r ur fav hot dog toppings?
r u having a nice day?

r u 'hard' for 'twi'?

Twilight is a brand
For hornie tween girls
Hornie tween gheys
Fat ugly women
And homosexual pedophiles

U cant really blame them, tho
Most humans spend most of their lives
Being hornie
It’s part of the human condition
Especially the human condition of tweens

The defining characteristic of a tween
Is his/her newfound ability to sexually reproduce
Despite his/her lack of sexual maturity
This initial lack of maturity serves a purpose
Our genes blind us with horniness
When we are young
In order to inspire us to f$^k like rabbits
In order to ensure our survival as a species
B4 our bodies age and die
Of cancer/AIDS/drunk drivers/drug overdoses/suicide

It’s basic animal instinct, yall


Unfortunately, the basic human instinct to f&%k
Has led to some major problems in the 21st Century
Global warming, widespread poverty, and overpopulation
To name just a few

Because there are now so many of us
Searching for the same rare, unique goals
Like a super cute ethnic boi
To hold hands with at the mall
It means that only a select few of us
Can actually achieve their goals
Of having things like a keut boifriend
A high paying job
An acting career
Magic wizard powers
Or not just 1, but 2, ‘super hot boifriends’
Chasing after u
Wanting to suck
Ur ‘””’”‘blood’”’”

Twilight is just the latest tranquilizer
In a long line of tranquilizers
Injected into the rabid bloodstream
Of mnstrm American culture
Intended to satiate the tween sexual instinct
To reproduce with everything and anything in sight
Intended to minimize the burning horrors
Of ‘tween pregnancy’ and ‘STD’s’
A fantasy world that allows us to ‘get our rocks off’
w/o all the unwanted consequences

B4 there wuz Jacob, there wuz Ron/Harry

B4 there wuz Ron/Harry, there wuz Jack

B4 there wuz Jack, there wuz Legolas

B4 there wuz Legolas, there wuz Han

B4 there wuz Han, there wuz
REAL F@!KING LIFE

Feel worried, tho
Feel confused
Feel sad about the ‘decline in modern cinema/literature’
Feel alarmed that it is now socially acceptable to refer
To 13-year-olds with an allusions to ‘hard ons’
What r we gonna call Harry Potter fans, now?
‘Harry Twatters’?
‘Harry Peeners’?

Wish the young ethnic bro who never wears a shirt
Would just stop bothering with the pants, too
Wish that some droopy cunt would just jump off a cliff
And Jacob and Edward would do it ‘brokeback style’

We are all hornie
We all want to break free of our predictable suburban lives
We all want to live in a fantasy world
We all want to find meaning
We all want to find love

And most of us are probably even just willing to settle
For someone to hold hands with @ the mall
Browsing snarky tee shirts
In Hot Topic

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

R u a tween?
R u ‘hard’ 4 ‘twi’?
Why does Jacob wear pants?
Should tweens be allowed to have sex?
What is your favorite fantasy world to ‘rub one out 2’?
Do u feel ‘trapped in the subburbs’?
Does nobody ‘get’ how ‘complicated’ u are?
What’s your favorite store @ the mall?
Is Hot Topic for ‘fggts’?
What will be the next tween fantasy trend?